Saturday, February 27, 2010

dotting i's and crossing t's turns out to be pretty damn important; or, taking responsibility

I have never really been a "details" person.  I don't really do paperwork all that well, or at all. At work if there is an email sent out to folks who are late turning in census reports, first-day-handouts, or grades... I am on it. I just don't pay attention to stuff like that. I am an idea person. Creative. A free spirit.

Well. Turns out that stuff matters.

A lot.

I wanted to blame people. And there are some who would do, I suppose. But, really, the biggest lesson to be learnt here is that I can't control other people. I can only take care of me and make sure that my world is together. And well, so far, in my life I haven't done that.

It is my own fault that I am not returning to Graduate School in the fall. It is never easy to fail. It is even more difficult to learn that you are not special. Not really. Oh no. I am not exceptional. I am not one of those students who has someone fighting for me. I am just a student who didn't fill out her application correctly. It's not personal. It is political, but that is something else altogether. It is a tough lesson to learn: No one is gonna fight for you, that you are on your own, that you don't have a corner man.

So, I will have to fight for me.

But, at least now I know that I must.

I am not giving up. Not yet. I'll apply again next year. I'll pay more attention to errant t's and i's and all of that. I will learn a lesson from this, because I need to.

Another year.

Another chance.

In this year, I have a lot of work to do: Both academic and personal. I have some addictions to work on.  I have some fears to conquer. I have some wounds that need healing. I have some reading and learning that needs to be done. I have some growing to do.

Academically speaking I am not where I should be. I have not taken care of my language requirement (yes, it has been years, and no I still haven't done anything about it). I have a lot of reading in my field that I can do in a year. Some conferences, etc. Work that I have not done because of my own insecurities about myself as a scholar.

Personally, I have a food addiction and a lifetime of eating disorders that I have pretended don't exist. I have a major set of fear and anxiety disorders that I have self medicated with alcohol, food addication, and isolation.  I need to learn to cope with life in a responsible way. It is too easy to set things aside and ignore them rather than take care of them. Putting my hand over my eyes will not make problems go away. (no, not even if you also sing the la la la I am not listening song).

So here it goes.
Another year.
The question is what am I gonna do with it?

Stay tuned... I know I will.


  1. I'm definitely staying tuned. I'm also sending along the ever-cheesy positive vibes/good thoughts/best wishes. I look forward to your return.

  2. I'm pretty bad at that stuff too. Good luck in learning to deal with it--it's hard to do--and you can do it.

    I like the idea of looking at this year as something you have and can use. It's true.

    Hoping everything will work out for the best :)