bitter; or, a cry for help

I am beginning to hate my job.

Before I begin to complain, because I am going to. I need to starte with the following disclaimer. I know this is my fault. There are other folks who played their parts, but really, I accept that it is MY choices that led me here. I chose teaching because I wanted to do this. I chose English becasue I loved it. I chose this profession. I chose to quit my Phd program. I chose to work as an adjunct. I made these choices. I know this.

But...

I am becoming so angry and bitter that it is affecting my job performance. I resent the amount of prep, grading, reading, planning, meetings, events, just the sheer amount of time that my job demands. I am an adjunct instructor and a co-coordinator for the Shasta College Puente Program. I usually teach two classes a semester. This year I accepted the Puente Program Coordinator's position  When I began doing Puente my workload trebled. In the fall, I was unhappy with the amount of extra work, but I thought I would be leaving at the end of the year (I am not) and I was being paid twice as much. This semester I only got one class. But, the work for the coordinator position has ballooned. Without having to get into details (see yesterday's blog for some of the numbers) I figure that I am paid $5.45 per hour. I don't really have enough money to pay my bills.

The real bitterness comes in when I think about my co-workers.  My co-coordinator is a full time employee. He makes four times what I make, simply because he is salaried. Any event we do he is paid to do twice. He gets paid as part of his salary and he gets the same stipend I get. Whereas I work for nothing he gets double. I try to not say anything, but it gets really hard sometimes. I don't want to ruin my working relationship with him because I am so resentful and bitter. Some of the Puente kids have commented that I am not doing some of the activites. I have tried to explain without going into details to them that I get tired and overworked, but they just don't get it.

Now, no matter what, there isn't anything I can do about this right now. I can't ask for more money. I can't get a second job. I can't quit without destroying three years worth of work history. This is the situation. It is what it is. I have committed to the program for one more year. In this year, I am preparing to re-apply to graduate schoool, and look for full time teaching positions. So, I know that I have to finish this semester, teach a summer class, and then do the adjunct teacher/Puente program coordinator thing next year. I know this. The problem is: I have a terrible attitude. Awful. I am negative and resentful. I don't do anything extra. I refuse to do things that normally I would want to do. I come home at the end of the day and say things like, "Guess how much money I made today? Oh that's right $0."  I shirk. I procrastinate. I complain.

I don't want to be l ike this. I don't. I hate when people tell me I should count myself as lucky because at least I HAVE a job. But seriously, how do I find a way to put the money issues aside? How do I separate teaching from the "job"? If I don't do this, I will be even more miserable. I will make people around me miserable. I could even jeopardize any possible work reccommendations from this school. Sigh. How do I learn to love my job again?