Wednesday, May 14, 2014

On Weariness; or, Running on Empty is Still Running.

Oh today. I am two kinds of tired. Shallow and deep. Global and local. Literal and metaphorical. I am weary and worn. I am hollowed out and running on nothing. In these bleary moments where caffeine masquerades as clarity, I feel my skin tighten and it is as if something inside is pulling at me. Pushing me to do crazy things. Things that my rested brain keeps me from doing. I want to make big decisions. I want to DO things. Something. Something big and grand and terrifying. I want to take huge leaps and fall off of edges. It is almost as if I am at my most honest when I am too tired to pretend. I get loopy when I am tired. And loopy is when I am just crazy enough to jump.

But, sometimes, I am too tired to run wild and instead I have another cup of coffee to wake up just enough to be safe. Or,  distract myself with breads and circuses, or cocoon myself in sleep until I can trust myself to behave; You know, just keep calm and carry on.  But, even while napping, sometimes, I remember, dream of, braver days when I couldn't be so easily quieted. When I did recklessly leap and run and try. Now, I worry that I am too tired to be that rash again. That this time the weariness is heavier, deeper, that it has housed itself in my bones. A cancer eating my hopes and leaving me marrowless and brittle. How many rash chances do I have left in me? How many gates can I crash through and still not break? 

I hope the answer is all of them. I hope I am just weary enough to try, but not so tired that I sleep.


  1. Sometimes I try to push my body to let me get more done, to have freedom from the need to rest and sleep and lose time, and it always takes its revenge.
    Similarly, decisions made when you are tired, thoughts created when you are tired, are untrustworthy. They have their own agendas and they have no intention of helping you in the long run. Ultimately, it turns out you need infrastructure, and infrastructure is taking care of your body. Adequate sleep, proper hydration, limited stress. It's not exactly practical or convenient to maintain. But it turns out your body has the power in your relationship with it.
    But it can be placated.

  2. But if the rested, properly hydrated, relaxed me is too rational, too stolid, too reasonable to do something risky... well, it may take a somewhat "untrustworthy" decision to result is getting out of a rut ;)

  3. I think this is why some cultures go in for magic trances ;) . Just watch out for the Revenge of the Body, and keep in mind that not all risks are irrational.