Monday, May 3, 2010

Accounting; or,my life in numbers (teaching edition)

Number of..

years I have taught college English Classes: 9.

students I have taught (aproximately): 1080.

students I have failed (actual F's, not Oh they just stopped coming F's): 7

students I have made cry: 4

students who have thanked me more than a semester after my class was over: 2

teaching hours my adjunct contract pays per week: 8

office hours my adjunct contract pays per semester: 8.5

meetings per week  I attend for my current job (on average): 4.

meetings I am paid to attend: 0.

dollars and cents in my checking account right now: $85.17.

degrees I have earned: 2.

degrees I still need: 1.

 level of bitterness I feel about my current career on a scale of 1-10: 8 with a bullet.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Sunday Short; or, what a Sunny Sunday should look like (actual experiences may vary)

Baseball (Shown here Oakland Coliseum)


Boats (actual boat may be smaller, yellow, and on a lake)





Books (and Coffee Shops)



And Buddies


There is also usually a little Booze involved... but no one wants to see a picture of that ;)
Happy Sunday!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

May Day; or, sex sex sex

Happy May Day!

Corinna's Going A-Maying

Get up, get up for shame, the blooming Morn
Upon her wings presents the god unshorn.
See how Aurora throws her fair
Fresh-quilted colours through the air;
Get up, sweet slug-a-bed, and see
The dew bespangling herb and tree.
Each flower has wept, and bow'd toward the east,
Above an hour since; yet you not drest,
Nay! not so much as out of bed?
When all the birds have matins said,
And sung their thankful hymns, 'tis sin,
Nay, profanation, to keep in,
Whenas a thousand virgins on this day
Spring, sooner than the lark, to fetch in May.

When I was a girl, our Sunday school class made and delivered May Day baskets. May Day is holiday I would love to bring back. With it's toes firmly dipped into sensuous waters, May Day is one of the sexiest of holidays. Damn those puritans and their fear of sensuality. Anyway, I digress... In contemporary America, if May Day is celebrated at all, it is usually associated with children. This ignores the fact that the young girls who were the original May Day Queens were in fact nubile and ready for a sexual awakening. It was their "Spring" if you will; but, now, we don't really remember that most girls are actually women by the time they are 12 or 13.

I am sure that my Sunday School teacher was oblivious of May Day's pagan beginnings when she planned our May Day adventure. The event took two weekends. On the first weekend we made May Day flower bouquets. They were little paper mache flower baskets. The next weekend was the first of May. Our class was divided into small gaggles of giggling girls and each of us was assigned to a jaded teenage girl who were either forced by their mothers, or had just gotten their driver's licences, and thus were eager to drive anywhere. We would park up the street a little ways and then this little gaggle of 8 year old girls would tiptoe, giggling loudly, as we tried to sneak up to the porch and place their flower basket on the doorknob. One brave girl, usually me, or my friend Michelle, would ring the doorbell, or knock. There was this fantastic moment of tension as I would linger on the porch my finger just hovering above the doorbell, and then, I would push the bell, or knock, and all of us would burst free and run back to the car squealing, running, panting, and laughing in a burst of released delight.


Rise; and put on your foliage, and be seen
To come forth, like the spring-time, fresh and green;
And sweet as Flora. Take no care
For jewels for your gown, or hair;
Fear not, the leaves will strew
Gems in abundance upon you;
Besides, the childhood of the day has kept,
Against you come, some orient pearls unwept;
Come and receive them while the light
Hangs on the dew-locks of the night;
And Titan on the eastern hill
Retires himself, or else stands still
Till you come forth. Wash, dress, be brief in praying;
Few beads are best when once we go a-Maying.

While in college, my boyfriend and I decided to deliver May Day bouquets of our own. I was living in a small town just outside of Boston Massachusetts where spring's coming is celebrated enthusiastically after the long cold winter. We made tiny paper baskets and filled them with flowers stolen from the campus gardens. We walked to a neighborhood just west of town that was populated mostly by the townies. These were folks who had nothing to do with the college and were unlikely to know who we were. The first couple of doors we did together. Giggling and running just as I had as a girl. After a minor squabble, something our relationship was marked by, we split up and decided to each go our own ways. 

I approached a house, on my own, carrying my tiny bouquet. As I could get nearer to the porch I heard the unmistakable sounds of a couple having sex. I froze in my steps.  I was not sure what to do. A part of me was struck by how apropos it was to be leaving May Day flowers on the porch as a couple made love. The flowers historically were tokens of wooing and symbolic of the blooming of a young girl's readiness to lose her virginity. As I placed my flowers on the door knob,  I heard a noise around the corner of the porch. I should have left then, but my curiosity led me around the corner of the house. As I peered around the corner I saw my friend peering into the bedroom window watching the couple have sex. Quickly, and quietly I turned and walked away. I grabbed my basket off the door and left without being seen.


Come, my Corinna, come; and, coming, mark
How each field turns a street, each street a park
Made green and trimm'd with trees; see how
Devotion gives each house a bough
Or branch; each porch, each door ere this
An ark, a tabernacle is,
Made up of white-thorn, neatly interwove;
As if here were those cooler shades of love.
Can such delights be in the street
And open fields and we not see't?
Come, we'll abroad; and let's obey
The proclamation made for May,
And sin no more, as we have done, by staying;
But my Corinna, come, let's go a-Maying.

The first boy I ever kissed was killed in a motorcycle accident before he was old enough to be considered a man. It wasn't May Day when I learned that he died, but it was Spring. I was 11 when we kissed and 15 when he died. He a mere year and a half older. Eleven seems too young for kissing, and 15 far too young for mourning. That kiss was the most sexually charged kiss of my life, even now, I look back on that event with wonder. His experience with his tongue makes me think he probably wasn't a virgin when he died. Even though a little past 16 is far too young for a death of any kind; it gives me comfort to think that he lived a little older than other boys his age because somehow he knew he less time than the rest of us.


There's not a budding boy, or girl, this day,
But is got up, and gone to bring in May.
A deal of youth, ere this, is come
Back, and with white-thorn laden, home.
Some have despatch'd their cakes and cream,
Before that we have left to dream;
And some have wept, and woo'd, and plighted troth,
And chose their priest, ere we can cast off sloth;
Many a green-gown has been given;
Many a kiss, both odd and even;
Many a glance too has been sent
From out the eye, love's firmament;
Many a jest told of the keys betraying
This night, and locks pick'd, yet we're not a-Maying.

It was in a Surevy of Early British Literature class where I first read this poem. My friends and I were quite romantic and loved the Carpe Diem poems. Herrick, Marvell, Jonson, et al. We were young and we thought of ourselves and Julia or Corinna. We wrote lovely little papers on these poems and their fresh sensuality and flirting of innocence. One day I was put in a group with an older woman. She was very smart, sassy, and I looked up to her. At the time she seemed much older than I, but now, I realize that she was prolly about the age that I am now. We were choosing poems to write about for a group project and I suggested Corrina's Going A-Maying and To the Virgins to Make Much of Time. As we were working, the light and fun mood surrounding these poems darkened. She read them  with the eye of a woman nearing 40 who was losing her bloom. She pointed to line after line and read them as an indictment of the uselessness of an older woman. I remember her saying "These poems are about a bunch of old men who are telling young girls to just do it with them because soon they will be old dried up hags and no one will want them." She was angry. I learned later that her husband had recently left her, for a younger woman, of course.

Come, let us go, while we are in our prime;
And take the harmless folly of the time.
We shall grow old apace, and die
Before we know our liberty.
Our life is short, and our days run
As fast away as does the sun;
And as a vapour, or a drop of rain,
Once lost, can ne'er be found again,
So when or you or I are made
A fable, song, or fleeting shade,
All love, all liking, all delight
Lies drown'd with us in endless night.
Then while time serves, and we are but decaying,
Come, my Corinna, come, let's go a-Maying.

by Robert Herrick

(1591-1674)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

taking lessons from Better Off Dead; or, learning "Franch"

I have  decided to spend this pre PhD year in preparing for the foreign language requirement.  In the past I always tried Spanish and it did not work out for me. I will write more about that another time.  So, I am going to switch to French. I have a ton of spanish baggage, and really, French is a pretty happy language for me. So without further adieu: I present: Le Plan.

1. Immerse myself in all things "Franch" al la Better of Dead's Kim Darcy.

 I will always love John Cusack. If, for no other reason than because of the classic comedy Better Off Dead. I think this may be the best movie in the history of extremely silly comedies. Some of my most quoted lines are from this movie.


Monique: He keeps putting his testicles all over me.
Lane Meyer: Excuse me?
Monique: You know, like octopus? Testicles?
Lane Myer: Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T. Big Difference.

That scene is classic! And it makes me laugh every time I think about it. But the all time funniest thing is the scene where Kim Darcy puts together a meal for the Monique the neighbor's foreign exchange student.  She makes french bread, french fries, and french dressing. She pronounces it "Franch" and then later the annoying neighbor lady blows herself up.

Lane: Sorry your mom blew up Ricky.

Have you seen Better Off Dead? Did you love it?  I recently found out that John Cusack hated it. That made me a little sad. But, oh well.

2. Watch French films. J'aime des films de francais.


There are so many times when I am watching a decent american movie, you know, one that is okay, but not brilliant, that I think, "This would be so much better in French."

I have seen many french films, but if you have recommendations: lay them on me.








3. Get me that Rosetta Stone French program.
It's expensive. How expensive? Very expensive. But, hey, I hate language classes, so it should be worth it.


4. Develop a french alter ego. (Why yes, I AM taking suggestions for names!)  When I travel I lie to people. Nothing to serious, I just know I a never going to see them again, so I give them an interesting person to talk to, I put on a show. It's fun, no one gets hurt. Naturellement, je suis la France.
5.  Go to France and pretend to BE that person! Oui. I am serious.
And yes, you can come too!

6. Oh, and I'll pass the foreign language requirement in the process.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

serenity now; or, god (that I don't really believe in) grant me the patience...

to get through this day.

to grade as many notebooks, occasions, and essays as I can.

to understand that I may not be able to get them all done and that that is okay.

to compose an apology to my students for the shitty assignment I gave them.

to get all my emailing done.

to get my living space reorganized after the great spring cleaning episode this weekend.

to not kill my mother.

to stop snapping at people (my mother).

to not kill the dog.

to remember that it will take time to recover from this cold/flu.

to drink water.

to get back on track with my healthy living plan.

to view food as fuel and not as therapy.

to pay as many of my bills that I can afford to pay.

to not worry about those that are left unpaid, for now.

to forgive myself for my mistakes.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

dotting i's and crossing t's turns out to be pretty damn important; or, taking responsibility

I have never really been a "details" person.  I don't really do paperwork all that well, or at all. At work if there is an email sent out to folks who are late turning in census reports, first-day-handouts, or grades... I am on it. I just don't pay attention to stuff like that. I am an idea person. Creative. A free spirit.

Well. Turns out that stuff matters.

A lot.

I wanted to blame people. And there are some who would do, I suppose. But, really, the biggest lesson to be learnt here is that I can't control other people. I can only take care of me and make sure that my world is together. And well, so far, in my life I haven't done that.

It is my own fault that I am not returning to Graduate School in the fall. It is never easy to fail. It is even more difficult to learn that you are not special. Not really. Oh no. I am not exceptional. I am not one of those students who has someone fighting for me. I am just a student who didn't fill out her application correctly. It's not personal. It is political, but that is something else altogether. It is a tough lesson to learn: No one is gonna fight for you, that you are on your own, that you don't have a corner man.

So, I will have to fight for me.

But, at least now I know that I must.

I am not giving up. Not yet. I'll apply again next year. I'll pay more attention to errant t's and i's and all of that. I will learn a lesson from this, because I need to.

Another year.

Another chance.

In this year, I have a lot of work to do: Both academic and personal. I have some addictions to work on.  I have some fears to conquer. I have some wounds that need healing. I have some reading and learning that needs to be done. I have some growing to do.

Academically speaking I am not where I should be. I have not taken care of my language requirement (yes, it has been years, and no I still haven't done anything about it). I have a lot of reading in my field that I can do in a year. Some conferences, etc. Work that I have not done because of my own insecurities about myself as a scholar.

Personally, I have a food addiction and a lifetime of eating disorders that I have pretended don't exist. I have a major set of fear and anxiety disorders that I have self medicated with alcohol, food addication, and isolation.  I need to learn to cope with life in a responsible way. It is too easy to set things aside and ignore them rather than take care of them. Putting my hand over my eyes will not make problems go away. (no, not even if you also sing the la la la I am not listening song).

So here it goes.
Another year.
The question is what am I gonna do with it?

Stay tuned... I know I will.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

framing ben jonson; or, putting the shabby in shabby chic

A couple of years ago a literature professor gave me one page from a 17th century Ben Jonson folio as a christmas gift. I have no idea of its value, but I know it is something I needed to treat with care. My roomate at the time also recieved one, as did everyone in the seminar (which is prolly almost all of my readership, so you all know exactly what I am talking about here), and she framed hers immediately.  I balked at the cost of framing and my page remained wedged between two pieces of cardboard in the flimsy plastic sleeve it came in, along with a photocopy of the folio cover to index its origins. I was beginning to notice some wear and tear on my page and that prompted me to get it framed before I did any permanent damage.

Yesterday, I finally had the thing framed. I chose a fancy schmancy champagne gilded frame and had it contrasted with a chololate brown velvet textured  matte. It looks gorgeous. It is luxurious and rich looking. When the framer unwrapped the brown paper and revealed the work I could not help but exclaim, okay, squeal, about how gorgeous it was. It was easy to see how proud she was of her work, and she even took a picture of it to add to her portfolio. So, in the glow of such admiration, I brought it home and hung it over my World Mart-Cost Plus country white roll desk, next to my second hand olive green dresser, above my JCPenney "fall pattern" floor rug, next to a thrift store find framed print by one of my favorite romantic artists. And in the blink of an eye my room that had looked shabby chic just a moment before, now just looked shabby. 

I do not come from money. My mother's family were vagabond okies who lived in trailers and drove cars that they bought totalled and then fixed up to sell. My father's were loggers and laborers. Not one of my grandparents graduated from elementary school. My mother was the first in her family to graduate high school, my father the first to go to college. I know that education does not always result in money, but usually those with money get college degrees. So there is a correlation, it just wasn't what I thought it was.

When I was a child I dreamed of being upper middle class. I wanted to "dress" for dinner. Have season tickets to the opera, get my hair done, and travel to exotic foreign lands.  Now, I know my imagination could only reach upper middle class, because I could not fathom what it was like to be truly wealthy. I took on the trappings of the rich through food, clothing, and books, and the arts. I learned who the great masters were so that I could talk about paintings and sculpture, I read Shakespeare, and watched foreign films. I was eight the first time I watched a black and white movie in french.  I couldn't even read the subtitles quickly enough to follow the plot. It didn't matter I was hooked. I wore pearls and scarves to the dinner table. I learned to ride horses and was always secretly angry that I had to ride "western."  In my head I connected this lifestyle to education and I vowed to go to college. Then in college, I decided to become a college professor.

It wasn't until I was in a PhD program that I realized that education and books were not going to make me rich. Books are just books. They do not mark a social cultural class. Teaching college is about teaching college, not wearing cashmere sweaters and driving volvos. A page from a Ben Jonson folio is a page, no matter the room in which it hangs. When I quit school and entered the job market I learned the hard way that I will never be rich. But, at least now, I understand my longing in ways that I never could before. Now, I am returning to school to get a degree to get a job, and not gain an identity.