Monday, October 24, 2011

down; or, even these words will give me something to stand on

I tried to give this blog away. I erased all my information, profile, changed the name, etc to give it to my brother. He was going through a tough time and was using facebook to vent. I told him that was a terrible idea and that he needed a blog. He is less tech savvy than I (which is saying something) so, instead of creating a new blog I just tried to give him mine. It didn't work out. And now I am glad that it didn't because I need it.

It is a small thing, I suppose, to be grateful that my blog is still here and recoverable. But in a life where I have made bad decision after bad decision it is nice to see that even this small thing has worked out. Small victories are still victories.

I am down. Down. Capital "D" Down.Coffee and licorice for breakfast down. Not even fresh coffee. Coffee that is heated up from yesterday. Coffee run through yesterday's grounds down. No shower wearing an ugly sweater down. The kind of down where looking up is hard because my head is so heavy.

So, here we are dealing with the demons of depression. Again. This is a fight that has gone far beyond a boxing match's 10-12 requisite rounds. I remember telling myself that things will get better, just hang in there. But really, better is so unquantifiable. What is better? Having the energy to brew fresh coffee? Taking shower? Having a life?

Down. Down. Down. Such a loaded word. Down for the count? I hope not. The counterweight to down is up right? So there has to be room to rise. There has to be steps leading up to the light. I just need to find that cellar door. That pep talk that takes me from here to there. I need to find the words that will pull me up. Again. And hopefully when I get there I can stay there for a awhile